I was watching a series on Netflix called The Maid. There was a scene where a woman was leading a group therapy session in a shelter that she was staying at. She asked the women in the group if they can think of the happiest day that they have ever experienced in their life. I sit here thinking about how I would answer this question. The answer I that always comes to me, is the day that each of my children were born.
Almost 2 decades ago, I had my first child. After the doctors removed her from my womb I waited to hear my first babies cry. Some would think the sound of your child's first cry would be the moment where you experience the most happiness. When the doctors removed her from my womb she wasn't crying for the moment. Finally the wonderful sound of her cry bellowed loud and clear. I had an overwhelming sense of relief when they held my daughter up for me to see. I believe that was the moment right there.
When the doctors placed her in my arms, she was the most beautiful angel I ever laid my eyes on. She was perfect. I was in disbelief as I cuddled her in my arms. She was so beautiful with soft black hair , fair complexion and big eyes shut and a small cute button nose and lips. She had five fingers and toes on each hand and foot. I was in awe of her perfection. She was awake so she was crying. I remember feeling shy to respond to her cry. I was shy to tell her it's okay and to kiss her for the first time on her head. I didn't realize in that moment that I am one of the most important people next to her. It was almost like she felt like a stranger to me. It was my first time becoming a mother so I was not feeling very confident in that moment. It was almost as if I forgot that I was the same person who carried her for nine months and ten days. The same person who played soft music and sang to her so she could hear me from the inside. I was in disbelief as I held her in my arms that she was mine. Maybe I felt a little unworthy. I just wanted to be enough for her.
If there is one lesson I learned from raising a child is to hug them every single day and tell them that you love them. Never fail in letting them know how much they really mean to you.
I made a mistake with my first child and I stopped showing her affection. I became insecure. She was growing into a tween and her voice was changing. I became intimidated by her growing strength. Some how I needed to know that it was okay to keep loving her the same. I needed her to tell me that she missed that. Over time a two arm hug became a one arm hug. And all those "forehead kisses" I used to give, disappeared. The longer this went on , the faster I was losing her without realizing it. Now ...she's gone. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, and never miss an opportunity to love her the way I was too shy to. I realize now, that I lost sight of who's worthiness I should have been focusing on...my daughter's.